the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
