We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
