I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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