I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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