i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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