If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My ass is underappreciated
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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