you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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