At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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