The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
