What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
