Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize