I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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