It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
