How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
