This dress was meant to end up on your floor
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
