one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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