I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
the liver wants what the liver wants
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
