I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
