His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
A+ Viking dick
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
