I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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