im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
