when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
