Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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