I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
i've created a new STD.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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