so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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