i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i drank out of a bidet.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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