Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
