I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
