you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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