Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
