life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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