I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
