thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
