That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
