The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
