Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
