bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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