When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I haven't been this sober since birth.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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