Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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