How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
