I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
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