apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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