So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
She just used a chaser for red wine.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
