I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
