Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
Randomize
