I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
