I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Randomize
