She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
