Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
