so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
