Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
