Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
