Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize