I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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