I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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