right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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