You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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