LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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